My Words Are Ghosts

once they are out, they’re out

for good

bouncing around the universe

probably cruising around in 

an all black 

hearse

 

sometimes i say things and 

hope they never find their way 

back

but its what they do

they haunt

 

because my words 

are my ghosts

 

making me more cautious

or maybe just less 

honest

maybe just better at hiding

like smiling instead of 

sighing

 

this fear i’m so full of

this inauthentic cautiousness

is actually just hollowness 

more caverns than people

like empty mines 

full of socially acceptable 

and easily digestible 

words?

 

don’t be deceived 

those people pleasing

pastel colored

sugar coated things

are still words, you see,

they haunt too

because words are ghosts 

no matter who hears them

 

don’t be fooled

there’s no magic trick 

to avoid this

some people 

think they have it all 

figured out

a master plan on

how to never let 

their insides

out 

they think, maybe

if i post more

eat less

seal up 

and hide the rest

this ache will finally 

cease

and maybe, just maybe, 

this hearse will stop 

chasing me 

 

but oh baby, let me tell you

words don’t have to be said

to haunt

the unspoken ones

the ones you tried to hide

and keep neatly folded,

tucked among your insides,

are just ghosts only you can see

because there’s no accountability 

it’s just you 

and me

 

The Untangling: Vulnerability

it’s funny how

the end

is more vulnerable than

the beginning

 

in the end

you leave parts of yourself

with them

and all you can do is

pray to God they take care of them

-the untangling: vulnerability

 

Restlessness

it’s been getting worse

i think it’s always been there

but in stillness

i notice it more

when I close my eyes, exhausted,

at the end of the day

i feel it more than ever

the running

spinning

of everything

my mind and

heart

i run through every possible scenario

every outcome

the beautiful

ugly

and all the in betweens

i can’t seem to stop it

it happens when I’m driving

or grocery shopping, then I usually end up forgetting all my groceries,

it started to really scare me

when it started happening when I was talking to people

or mostly when they were talking to me

i would find myself just looking at them

observing

their faces

and moving mouths

but inside

i was running

-restlessness

 

journal entry // 1.16.18 // 4:52pm

 

Mother's Heart

 

i am here

you are there

i am screaming

you can’t hear

 

reaching

pleading

praying

believing

 

running

fighting

hoping

and heaving

through

this

and that

the turns

and twists

prying my way

through this

seemingly

endless

abyss

 

it’s like thick air

so dark

it just won’t let me into

your heart

 

i know all this because

you are there

and i am still here

 

i’ve pled

and i’ll plead some more

until

that oh so God filled

glorious day

when we finally reach

that beautiful shore

which could only mean

we weren’t in this

dreadful awful

ugly

abyss

anymore

-mother’s heart